His Love Runs Deeper

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:26

I am currently sitting on my couch eating lasagna that my mom made me for times when I would feel like this. Lately, especially today, I have been feeling worthless, like a loser, and in a valley. When I came home from school last semester, for the summer, I was really depressed. I had gone through a lot in my personal life and didn't have time to breathe during the semester. So when I got home, my world crashed around me into tiny little pieces. I had gained twenty pounds in a three month time span and could feel its effects on my body. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to be around my family, and I sure didn't want to talk to any of my friends. My thoughts went to the deep dark corners of my mind that no one ever wants to talk about. My mom became worried and we sought professional help. I went and talked with a councilor who would just let me talk and would listen to what I had to say. He would tell me at the end of our meetings that I am awesome and that I need to believe that I am. However, that was something hard for me to accept. How can I be awesome when my friends didn't want to be friends with me? How could I be awesome when I was pushing my family away from me? Eventually, I came to realize that I had to change the way that I saw myself or I was never going to get better. So I did.

However, fast forward to today. Those feeling of worthlessness and being stupid and a loser have crept back into my mind. Today was a day of disappointment and sadness as I found out that I don't have the grades to potentially do what I want with my life. I'm struggling with feeling like I am smart enough and good enough. Any class, other than my athletic training classes, are a complete struggle. I can't seem to grasp concepts that my peers can and it is frustrating.

Yet, God's plans are always different than our own, yet we continue to make our own. When our plans don't go the way that we want them to, it is easy for us to get disappointed. That is what I am feeling. However, God's plan is better for me than my plan is. That doesn't mean that I am worthless. God made me to be like him. He put a brain in my head that is smart. He gave me two arms to hug those around me when they are down. He gave me two legs that have carried me very far in twenty years. I have to love these things that God has given me, because they are a gift from Him. He didn't make me to be worthless, He made me to be great. He's closing a door on my life, but I fully believe that He is opening a window that will let in a whole lot of light in a time where I need it. God is faithful and He doesn't desert His children, and He won't desert me.