In my first staff meeting, on my first day of my first school year as an athletic trainer, my principal had all of the staff pick a word that would represent our year. We would turn to it when we struggled, or were feeling down. We would use it with our students and coworkers to help better those around us. While others were choosing words such as strength, perseverance, and passion, I chose grace. Here's why.

All of my life I have held those around me and myself to high standards. I would always want to be the best at everything that I do and would not surround myself with other who did not feel the same. When things didn't go as planned or I failed to do what I thought I should be able to accomplish, I would beat myself up about it. I would feel like a failure. This is something that I struggle with now.

I have been in athletic training since I was a freshman in high school as an athletic training student aide. I finally felt like this is something that I could do without failure. I could be the best athletic trainer ever and never mess up. But I was wrong. I seem to fail everyday, or at least it feels like I do. I place 7,000 phone calls and 10,000 text messages to the other athletic trainers in my district everyday because I constantly second guess myself and my judgement. My friends get calls from me all the time because I can't think of the right word to type on my paperwork. I never know if I'm making the right call on a diagnosis. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. And I put that on myself.

So I think I need a little grace. For myself. For my students. For my coworkers. God give us grace everyday when we fail him. Grace is what he doesn't give us what we do deserve. Grace is what I need to give myself when I feel like I am failing. Grace is what I need to give my students when they choose to go against what I tell them. Grace is what I need to give when a coach doesn't communicate with me. Grace is what I need.

New Seasons

I know that I always do this. I say, "I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm really going to get back into it." And then I never do. Life gets ahead of me and I never have time. School would get hard, my social life would get busy, and the time that I found to myself would be dedicated to naps and watching TV. I also wasn't involved in my Christian faith. I would go to church every now and then but it wasn't an every Sunday type of thing. And I sure as heck didn't practice my Christian faith throughout the week. But that was the last season of my life. I'm in a new season now. 

If you don't know, or haven't been on keeping tabs on my social media life, I graduated college in May, came home and got a big girl job! I'm living with my mom and spending a lot of time with my family catching up on the last four years that I lost. I stay in touch with my awesome college friends who are doing awesome things with their lives! I'm picking up my friendship with my Mads on our Target and Michaels dates. I am really blessed to be able to come home and pick up things, but I can't help but feel unfulfilled and it has to do with my relationship with Christ. 

When I was in college, I didn't go to church that often. Whenever I could get up on Sunday I went, but that was few and far between. So I'm making a promise to myself to attend church as much as possible! I am also making time to pray for myself, my friends, the world and everything in between. I'm putting prayer request boxes up on my Instagram story so that my followers can add things that they need prayed for, even if it is an unspoken request. I am also watching sermons from other pastors around the country and attempting to learn more about what God wants from my life.

So if you're looking to attend church more but don't want to go alone, go with me! If you're looking to make a new friend who is just trying to get through this new season of life, message me! If you need someone to talk to, call me! I'm just like you. I'm trying to navigate this new season of my life, just like you. 

His Love Runs Deeper

Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Matthew 6:26

I am currently sitting on my couch eating lasagna that my mom made me for times when I would feel like this. Lately, especially today, I have been feeling worthless, like a loser, and in a valley. When I came home from school last semester, for the summer, I was really depressed. I had gone through a lot in my personal life and didn't have time to breathe during the semester. So when I got home, my world crashed around me into tiny little pieces. I had gained twenty pounds in a three month time span and could feel its effects on my body. All I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to be around my family, and I sure didn't want to talk to any of my friends. My thoughts went to the deep dark corners of my mind that no one ever wants to talk about. My mom became worried and we sought professional help. I went and talked with a councilor who would just let me talk and would listen to what I had to say. He would tell me at the end of our meetings that I am awesome and that I need to believe that I am. However, that was something hard for me to accept. How can I be awesome when my friends didn't want to be friends with me? How could I be awesome when I was pushing my family away from me? Eventually, I came to realize that I had to change the way that I saw myself or I was never going to get better. So I did.

However, fast forward to today. Those feeling of worthlessness and being stupid and a loser have crept back into my mind. Today was a day of disappointment and sadness as I found out that I don't have the grades to potentially do what I want with my life. I'm struggling with feeling like I am smart enough and good enough. Any class, other than my athletic training classes, are a complete struggle. I can't seem to grasp concepts that my peers can and it is frustrating.

Yet, God's plans are always different than our own, yet we continue to make our own. When our plans don't go the way that we want them to, it is easy for us to get disappointed. That is what I am feeling. However, God's plan is better for me than my plan is. That doesn't mean that I am worthless. God made me to be like him. He put a brain in my head that is smart. He gave me two arms to hug those around me when they are down. He gave me two legs that have carried me very far in twenty years. I have to love these things that God has given me, because they are a gift from Him. He didn't make me to be worthless, He made me to be great. He's closing a door on my life, but I fully believe that He is opening a window that will let in a whole lot of light in a time where I need it. God is faithful and He doesn't desert His children, and He won't desert me.